


Oh I Won't be Afraid (Just Stand By Me)

by Signsofsam



Series: Buddie Week 2020 [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buddie Week (9-1-1 TV), Established Relationship, M/M, One Shot, please heed the notes at the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26587183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signsofsam/pseuds/Signsofsam
Summary: Eddie knows something went horribly wrong with one of Buck’s past relationships.He knows something went sideways, and it makes him boil with anger, because Buck is sweet, and gentle, and caring, and Eddie was halfway in love with him by the time he gathered up the courage to ask Buck out, and no person deserves to be abused, but especially not Buck. So he treats their relationship as if it’s breakable, fragile, because thisthingbetween them is helping Buck heal, and he doesn’t want to do anything to screw it up. And frankly, he doesn’t ever want to lose Buck.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931659
Comments: 9
Kudos: 241





	Oh I Won't be Afraid (Just Stand By Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "I won't let anyone hurt you; you're safe with me" + comfort
> 
> Title is from _Stand By Me_ by Ben E. King (but I had the Florence + the Machine's version playing while writing).
> 
> **Trigger Warning** : there is mention of an off-screen rape, and this story deals with an (off screen) abusive relationship. If you aren't comfortable with that, this story probably isn't for you.
> 
> And y'all...I'm nervous about this story. This is not my normal thing, so I hope I did the overall story justice.

Eddie _knows_ something went horribly wrong with one of Buck’s past relationships. While Buck never talks about it (and really, doesn’t talk about any past relationship but Abby) he’s constantly trying to make sure everything is perfect for Eddie, no matter if it’s something Buck himself enjoys. He apologizes profusely for every little thing he sees as a mistake. He’d been so skittish when they first kissed, so eager to make sure it pleased Eddie, no matter if Buck was, and...Eddie just knows.

He knows something went sideways, and it makes him boil with anger, because Buck is sweet, and gentle, and caring, and Eddie was halfway in love with him by the time he gathered up the courage to ask Buck out, and no person deserves to be abused, but especially not Buck. So he treats their relationship as if it’s breakable, fragile, because this _thing_ between them is helping Buck heal, and he doesn’t want to do anything to screw it up. And frankly, he doesn’t ever want to lose Buck.

It’s their first overnight together, alone in Eddie’s bed, their clothes strewn around the room, and Eddie should be sleeping, sated and happy and _exhausted_ , but...he’s still awake, watching the profile of Buck’s face, running his hand ever-so-lightly through his hair, wondering how anyone could hurt Evan Buckley and not feel like a complete and utter asshole for it. And that’s how he catches Buck’s nightmare, Buck’s fingers gripping into the pillow, his face furrowing as he lets out a shaky breath. “Buck? Evan?” Eddie murmurs softly, sitting up. “Evan-”

Buck’s muttering something not quite audible, but he twists in the bed, back and forth, and his muttering becomes a shout, followed by another, and Eddie knows he shouldn’t reach for him (he was a medic in the United States Army, for God sakes, he’s seen what war and PTSD can manifest into during a nightmare, he _knows not to touch_ ), but he does, and Buck jerks awake swinging.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorryi’msorryi’msorrry,” Buck repeats, watching Eddie with wide, scared eyes as Eddie stands in the hall bathroom, gently feeling around the already bruising skin, testing his ability to open and close his eye (just fine, doesn’t feel like he broke anything). “Eddie, I’m so, so, so-”

Eddie sighs, and Buck immediately shuts up, backing away from the doorway, tensing like he’s expecting...what? A fist? Eddie puts his hands out, steady, calming, the anger and hurt for Buck building inside until his boyfriend starts tracking his palms, and the anger and hurt just...it melts into concern, because Buck doesn’t need his anger or his hurt right now. “Evan, please stop apologizing, babe. I know better than to touch someone when they’re in the middle of a nightmare, and I did it anyway. This?” he motions to the bruise. “This is completely, one hundred percent my fault.”

“I know what it’s like, though, and I never wanted to do that to another person. Especially...especially not you, Eddie.” The whispered confession hangs between them, the words sinking in slowly to Eddie; it’s a crack in the wall Buck’s built around his past, just for Eddie to see through.

It’s trust, a very thin, tiny piece of trust.

“Can I...can I hug you?” Buck nods almost before his question is done, and Eddie approaches slowly, hands still raised, still showing Buck _I’ll never hurt you_. When he’s standing in front of his boyfriend, Buck nods again, and Eddie’s hands trace the familiar territory: one wrapping around Buck’s waist, the other trailing up his arm to his shoulder, finally sinking into its destination of the short, soft hairs at the nape of Buck’s neck as he reels the taller man in, and just like always, Buck _melts_.

They stand in the hallway for a while, just like that, Buck’s face tucked into the crook of Eddie’s shoulder and neck, Eddie’s hand scratching lightly through Buck’s hair, the tension between them, the nightmare, everything fading away as they soak in one another. Eddie’s surprised when Buck speaks: “it was before I left for South America. I was just out of high school, he was much older, and...things got bad really quickly.”

“Buck-”

“No, let me just...it started out good. Tom was older, and had a good job, and I was all parental issues and lost, and he looked at me like I mattered, like I was someone, and it was a whirlwind. He taught me….he taught me how good sex could be with a guy, and then he taught me how easily someone could break you with their words and their fists and...how easy it was to take things without consent and-”

Eddie’s breath catches, but he doesn’t say anything, because Buck is opening up, and he won’t do anything to stop that. “It started with a slap because I didn’t have dinner done one night, but you know the stories, just like everyone else: he apologized, and he was so sweet, and caring, and he told me it would never happen again, and I was eighteen and not smart and I believed him. Just like I believed him when it happened again because I accidentally left a light on in the apartment, and again when I didn’t clean up the dishes. And I stayed, and I stayed, and there was even a hospital visit and I still stayed, because he _loved_ me, and he was the only one who did.

“The final straw was the night he ra...he raped me. He’d force me to blow him before that, but...it was just a blow job, you know? I didn’t like it, but...I loved him.” ( _No, Evan, that’s not_ fine _either_ , Eddie thinks) “One night he was in a foul mood, and it got worse when he drank, and he wanted to have sex and I told him no, and he...he punched me, I remember that. I don’t remember much after that until he was...until he was done. He passed out beside me, and I decided there, in that moment, that I couldn’t stay, and that I deserved better. I left when he was at work the next day, and...and somehow I’ve managed to make this life I love here, with you, and Maddie, and Bobby and Athena and Chim and Hen and...I hate how the memories of him taint everything when it comes to our relationship.”

“Oh, Ev,” Eddie whispers, pressing a kiss to Buck’s forehead, and Buck’s sob is gut-wrenching. Eddie holds him through it, through every body-wracking sob and cry and the wild keening noise that makes Eddie’s heart want to crack. No matter what, though, he holds onto Buck, wraps as tight as he can around his boyfriend, being his safety and security as everything breaks. He waits until the sobs are sniffles, and Buck’s breathing is mostly even, and he pulls away then, just enough so that Buck looks up at him. “Thank you for telling me, for trusting me with this. I could always see that something wasn’t quite right, but...Buck, this? What a nightmarish weight to have to carry around by yourself. I hope you know that you can always talk to me about anything, and you can be honest when you don’t like something we do or when you just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to pressure you, or ever make you uncomfortable-”

“You don’t, Eddie,” Buck interrupts, reaching for Eddie’s hand, bringing it up to kiss his knuckle. “Nothing we do together makes me uncomfortable; I _want_ everything with you, it’s just-. Unfortunately, there is a darkness surrounding parts of our relationship. But you-you make everything sad and upsetting start to tinge in gold and sunshine, in happiness. I know how gentle you are, and how you would never take your anger out on me, or Chris, or anyone, even if sometimes it seems like I don’t. I know you would never be what Tom became, because _I know you_. You make me feel worthy, and right.”

He leans in, a soft kiss, sweet, a _thank you_ and _I’m sorry for accidentally punching you_ and _I’m okay, don’t you worry_ and _this relationship is everything to me_ all rolled together. Eventually, Eddie breaks away, taking Buck’s hand and leading him back down the hallway to the rumpled bed. They’re both too tired for anything besides cuddling, and if Eddie wraps himself around his boyfriend just a bit tighter, Buck allows it. Buck’s nearly asleep from the warmth of being wrapped in the comforter and in Eddie’s arms, his head resting on Eddie’s chest so he can hear the thumping of his heart when he hears Eddie whisper, “ **I won’t let anyone hurt you; you’re safe with me**.” 

The words stay with him as he drifts back off, and into his dreams, and for the first time in awhile, the nightmares stay away.

**Author's Note:**

> So...thoughts?
> 
> Thanks in advance for all the comments/kudos, and if you want, come follow me [here](https://signsofsam.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.


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